The Real Story : A Troy Parody
by Shaded
Summary: The Real Story. Want to find how our Greek and Trojans heroes brains really worked? It's all within. Warning! Explosive laughter may issue.
1. Part One

The Real Story - A Parody on Troy

Warning! The following content may disturb your emotional and romantical attachment to the movie of Troy. Also, it will probably make you burst out laughing the next time your read any supposed-to-be heartbreaking Achilles/Briesis fanfic. Proceed to read at your own risk. Remember, you have been warned!

Part One

Beginning credit music issues forth

Camera moves on to view a large plain, two armies on either side looking like their ready to up and go tear each others throats out.

Fat old man, white haired old man, and another old man ride out to the middle of the field to talk. Now talking

Agamemnon: "Bow before me scum!"

White haired old man: looking rather surprised glances at Agamemnon. "Ah, was that the right line? I seem to remember something else."

Agamemnon: looking rather perturbed and then worried. "My doctor mentioned something about alyshiemers but I thought I had it cured, heard about some advertisement for Numovil. It's amazing... It's supposed to..." Trails off talking about his new pill.

Third old man: starts to look annoyed. "I'm sorry but we're supposed to be discussing how to fight this war."

Agamemnon: looks up, again surprised. "What war?"

Third old man: look of annoyance deepens. "The war that is supposed to be happening since you want more land."

Agamemnon: look brightens. "Ooohh. That war." Puzzled look returns. "Why do I need more land? I thought I was king."

White haired old man: clears his throat turning aside to talk to Agamemnon. "Your divorced wife took up half of your last country."

Agamemnon: looks angry. "Well how in hades did she manage to do that!"

White haired man: rolls eyes. "Well you might have kept all your country except for the fact that you started screaming at your wife halfway through the court proceedings. When the judge tried to quiet you down you jumped up and threatened to have his country taken away from him. Also, I don't think it helped matters that you doubled his taxes about a year before."

Agamemnon: looks resigned. "Oh.. Well, anyway. I guess we should be getting on with the whole war and all."

Old man three and White haired man nods in agreement.

Agamemnon: clears throat. "Ahh.. Let's see, oh yes. I propose that I defeat you and your army.. blahblablahblah.."

White hair man: looks relieved. "I suggest that we each select a champion and have them settle the fates of our armies."

Agamemnon: nods briskly, "Right then, it's all settled but remember, if my champion loses I'm still attacking your army with mine."

Old man three: sighs. "We've already been through that. I know, but it's supposed to be a surprise sort of thing. We're not supposed to be talking about it. Now shut up and stick with the story-line!" turns and shouts "Booger!" Scarred, nasty looking big guy stumbles out onto the battle field.

Bogarious: "How many times do I have to tell you, it's Bogarious! Not Booger. It's sounds bad."

Agamemnon: turns towards his army and shouts, "Achilles, Achilles!" Waits several minutes. "Achilles? ACHILLES!" Agamemnon launches into a wheezing attack.

White haired old man: starting to look worried. "Agie buddy, are you okay?" Shakes Agamemnon and starts pounding him on the back, furthering the coughing attack

Agamemnon: chokingly, "Where's my inhaler! Somebody get my inhaler.."

Little messenger boy runs up with inhaler.

Old man three: Looking very upset. "Agamemnon, please. I know it's spring and the ragweed's in full bloom but get a grip on yourself. I have another battle scheduled at 3:00. We've got to get this over with." Turns around to his army. "A little roaring and characteristic battle noises would be nice!"

Army, on cue starts slamming shields and spears together.

Agamemnon: after using the inhaler several times gets his asthma attack settled. "Right. I'm good to go. Now, SOMEBODY FIND ACHILLES!"

Little messenger boy riding at breakneck speed to find Achilles. Stops at tent and pulls open flap. Blurry vision en-issues. "Uh.. Anybody in here. I can't see."

Achilles: "Oh yeah, sorry kid. Parental Guidance thing. Blocks any bad scenes. I'm on my way."

Little messenger boy: "Ummm. I was supposed to tell you that Agamemnon wants you."

Achilles: "Yeah, yeah. Whatever kid. Listen, I'm not in a good mood, save it!"

Little messenger boy: "Does this mean I can't launch on my speech about fear and glory and whatnot?"

Achilles: "Umm. Yeah, that's about right."

Little messenger boy: Burst into tears. "That was my only line in the whole blinkin movie! I'm telling mommy. Your not a nice big brother!"

Achilles: Shoves past little messenger boy whom we'll conveniently call Ach2. "Tell mom and I'll do to you what I'm going to do to that Booger guy." Achilles leaves Ach2 crying and proceeds on to the battlefield. The roar of the armies greets his ears.

Bogarious: "Okay come on buddy. Face you death like a man!"

Achilles: Puzzled look, "Umm. Excuse me, perhaps I read the script wrong but ah I believe that I kill you using one my special technical killing jumps."

Script Writer: "Yup that's right. Bogarious you'll be dying shortly."

Bogarious: "What! Hey wait. I thought I'm the one who wins this fight. Come on look at that puny feller."

Achilles: Breaks into a run and with a jumping jab strikes Bogaroius in the shoulder.

Bogarious: "So this is what it feels like to die. Wait.. No... I want to sue..." Dies...

Achilles: Sheathes sword. "Well now, if that wasn't smooth." Pleased smirk.

Agamemnon: Rolls eyes and turns to Third old man. "Happy now. I'm the winner!"

Old man three: Looks disgruntled. "Oh well. But I would like to put your champion there through a series of steroid tests before I'm actually satisfied that..." Stops abruptly

Achilles: "Hey! I don't need steroids, I'm golden god handsome. My mere beauty strikes my foes down, well, that and my sword.

Agamemnon: "Okay Achilles we dont' need to hear the 'I'm-so-beautiful' speech. We get the idea. The war is won! Thessaly is mine! Ah.. I mean.. ours, or course.

music comes back in and scene darkens

End of Part One


	2. Part Two

The Real Story : A Troy Parody

: Part Two :

Looking over the countryside of Phtia. Camera moves to view golden god handsome boy and a less handsome replica of golden god handsome boy.

Achilles: Picking up sword slowly. "I suppose we really should practice sparring."

Patroclus: Nods. "Yes, I guess your right."

Achilles: Sits down on a rock. "In a few minutes. Pass the gatorade will you."

Patroclus: Sighs reaching for gatorade. "We're not supposed to drink it until we're done working out." Glances at the bottle of gatorade. "But your right, I think we should just drink it now.

An hour goes by, Patroclus and Achilles have finished the gatorade and are now sitting lazily. A noise of horses and approaching riders meets their ears.

Achilles: Looks surprised and then worried. Digs Patroclus in the ribs. "Hey! Get up! It's Odysseus."

Patroclus: Opens one eye. "Who's that."

Achilles: "Big important king guy. I'm trying to get a loan off him, gotta make a good impression. Get up, we have to act like we're great warriors." Jumps to feet and starts hefting sword energetically.

Patroclus: Sighs. "You mean we actually have to swing those big heavy things?" Get slowly to feet and picks up sword, swinging it carelessly at Achilles' head.

Achilles: Ducks, Patroclus's blade just missing his head. "Hey! Watch it, these things are sharp. They're not those plastic things your mom buys for you."

Patroclus: "Your supposed to block it!"

Achilles: "Hey, who's the warrior here? Don't tell me what to do. Now come, lets make this look good."

The two starts swinging swords together, trying to put a good show on.

Achilles: Turns as if just noticing Odysseus's arrival. Whispers to Patroclus. "Watch this, he's sure to be impressed." Grabs up spear and throws it.

Spears whistles by, inches from Odysseus head and crashes into a soldier behind him.

Patroclus: Looks dubious. "How is killing one of his guards supposed to impress him?"

Achilles: "OOPS." Tries to act as though he meant to do that.

Odysseus: "Zeus! What the !#!!#!#." Looks at Achilles. "What do you think you're doing? He was my cousin on my mother's side, twice removed."

Achilles: "He insulted me."

Odysseus: "If I wasn't in the midst of the script I'd insult you! Later though. Now where was I... Oh yes." Steps forward, pasting a smile on. "Ah, Achilles. Good to see you! Word of your welcome travels." Smile slips somewhat, mutters under breath, "Yeah, what a welcome."

Achilles: Smiles back, hoping Odysseus will still give him that loan he wants. "Greetings! Ah, here's my cousin Patroclus, I don't believe you've met him.

Patroclus: Frowns, thinking hard. "Wait. That's wrong. They've got that wrong." Glances accusing at Script Writers. "I'm not your cousin, I'm your best friend. Also, I think I heard from somewhere that I'm supposed to be your lover. Not sure where I heard that though."

Script Editor: "Hey! We were on a roll! One of the few times Achilles doesn't forget his lines and you have to foul things up! Great job buddy! " Sarcastically.

Patroclus: Looks hurt. "Well, I'm just saying.

Achilles: "He's right. I didn't forget my lines! Yay!" Jumps up and down before remembering he's supposed to look dignified.

Script Editor: Glares at Patroclus. "Now, just shut up and go with the bloody script!"

Odysseus: "Now you've got me all confused." Pauses for a long time. "Oh yes. I knew your parents. They were wonderful people. Too bad they committed suicide."

Patroclus: Looks up, startled. "They committed suicide!"

Odysseus: "Wups. I forgot, you weren't supposed to know."

Achilles: "Nice going Odysseus." Lays comforting hand on sobbing Patroclus's shoulder.

Script Editor: "This entire scene is completely junked up! Achilles, look at that dead guy over there. Do you know how much explaining I'm going to have to do to his family! There might even be lawsuits! Patroclus, shut up, you sound like a two-year old. Odysseus... Well, your the only one who didn't foul things up."

Odysseus: Looks smug and sticks tongue out at Achilles.

Achilles: Stars sobbing along with Patroclus.

Scene darkens.

: End of Part Two :


	3. Part Three

The Real Story : A Troy Parody

: Part Three :

laughter and music can be heard, camera moves to view a large feast

Menelaus: "Yes well and as I was saying, hiccups, we should all just have a great time, get drunk... Oh, wait I'm already drunk, well, get more drunk and well, you get the gist of what I'm saying."

Guests: Stare blankly at Menelaus before draining wine-cups to try and dull out the sound of horribly played instruments in the background

Paris: Draining wine-cup repeatedly and giggling hysterically at a joke

Hector: Shoves elbow into Paris. "Hey, your supposed to be following Helen, she left the table like half-an-hour ago."

Paris: Burps loudly. "OOPS... My bad! Ah, who's Helen?" Blank look

Hector: Rolls eyes, "The woman your supposed to following and eventually abducting and seducing and all that rot."

Paris: "Those are some really, I mean, really big words! Do you like, have a degree or something?"

Hector: "Actually yes, PhD in..." trails off and glares at Paris. "Nice try, thought you could get me off track. Now go follow Helen!"

Paris: "But I don't want to, I like that brunette over there. She's really cute, I don't go for the regal beauty thing." Looks at Hector's fingers inching towards sword hilt. "But if you say so.. I"m all over the job, I mean, I am gone." Gets up and runs.

camera moves to bedroom chamber where Paris and Helen are, blurry vision enissues

Director: comes stomping onto stage. "What the bloody 'ell is going on here! We can't see anything!"

Digital Editor: Shrugs, "Sorry boss but.. Well, we thought this part was a little bit iffy, I mean too iffy to show those poor innocent little kids out there who have no idea that foul things are about to take place.

Director: "What foul things?"

Digital Editor: "Oh, you know. The whole Paris/Helen thing."

Director: Shrugs and look defeated. "You know it's hopeless, hopeless. I don't even know why they call me the director. It's more like I'm just amusement, you guys think it's funny that I run around here trying to correct things only to be totally ignored. I give up! Go ahead, do whatever you want with the scene, blurry vision and all."

Digital Editor: Leans over to camera man, "You know I have a strong instinct he's on Prozac. I've heard it makes people emotional and possibly violent, do you think he looks violent?"

Camera Man: "Oh yeah, definately."

skipping blurry vision scene

Black ships are sailing across the ocean

Achilles ship: Various noises and shouts, then. "What the hell! Patroclus, you ate the last pizza!"

Patroclus's voice: "Oh, yeah sorry about that Kills. It was cold, I thought you didn't want it."

Achille's voice: "You knew damn well I wanted it, I ordered it express. Remind me again why I brought you?"

Patroclus's voice: Looks blank, "Oh, oh, oh! I know this one, I do, I really do. I've almost got it, it's right on the tip of my tongue. I know! Because it's in the script! Wheeehee! I got the question right.

Agamemnon's ship: "Shut up! I can't take it any more, I just can't. Go to sleep, stuff something down your throats. If I hear another word about pizzas I'm going to kill both of you. Or at least have my men kill you, or drag Paris down here, or whatever... Just shut up!"

Odysseus ship: Mournful voice singing loudly and off-tune. "Oh... I am a sailor. Far from home, sailing, sailing all ALONE! Far from land, far from sand, far from..." Abrupt pause then Odysseus's voice. "Does anyone know what rhymes with sand and land?"

Achille's Ship: Achilles voice. "Uh... brand? And speaking of brands, check out these new boxers I mean they are just... hot! Or is it just me.

Patroclus: "Oh wait, I know this one too. One second.. Yeah, I got it! It's you! Your hot right? That's the answer right?"

Agamemnon: "I SAID SHUT UP!"

subdued silence

Achilles: Hey, wow. How come the water changes colour up there."

Agamemnon: "Does anybody know that answer to that question?"

Odysseus: "Oh, wait. I'm smart I should know this. It's Land! Just like in my song. Land, sand... brand? No, no that's wrong. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that's Troy.

Achilles: "Well, I guess we should put some armour on right." Lets out a high-pitched scream. "Is that sunburn? It is, Oh great gods! My beautiful tan, marred by ugly red. Patroclus! Patroclus! Quick, bring the lotion, the sun-block I mean. My poor beautiful skin."

Patroclus: "I told you not to lay out naked in the sun."

Agamemnon: "I SAID SHUT UP!"

scene darkens

End of Part Three


	4. Chapter 4

Part Four

Achilles: "It's Troy, it's Troy. We're finally here... And not a moment to soon. The pizza just ran out, no thanks to Patroclus here."Glares at Patroclus who is doing his hair.

Patroclus: "Listen, we've been over this again and again. It was cold.

Achilles: "It was also express. Do you have any idea how long it takes those albatrosses to wing their way across the Aegean sea and pick out a black sail among a thousand other ships? DO YOU?

Patroclus: "I told you not to waste your gold on albatrosses. What did I say? Didn't I say snail mail was the way to go?"

Achilles: Irate. "Snails can't make it across the bloody ocean!"

Odysseus: From the ship on the left. "Troy... where the white walls rise... And where great treasure lies... And where we'll all die...

Agamemnon: From the ship on the right. "Odysseus! For the last time. Stop.. stop.. STOP! Do you know what your doing to the soldier's morale? Telling them we're going to die!

Odysseus: "But I was inspired. Did you hear that. I call it rhyming, and it shall be my rhyme and I shall rhyme and shall be known for rhyming. I mean... It was like three words that sounded the same, but meant different things, but all made sense. Ah, surely Apollo has hand-selected me as his protege."

Golden arrow comes out of nowhere and strikes Odysseus down with a nasty flu bug

Odysseus: Nasally voice. "Or not..."

Achilles: "Oh dear gods in Olympus... Is that what I think it is!"

Patroclus: Vaguely. "What?"

Achilles: "It's... gold, no silver... well.. anyway. Something shiny."

Agamemnon: "You idiots! It's an army. Troy's army. Trojans."

Achilles: Blank look

Agamemnon: "Spears, swords, javelins, knives. Blood, murder, death, destruction."

Odysseus: Wheezing through mucus plugged sinus's. "You know, Agie. You'd better go find yourself a shrink. That whole preoccupation with death and blood and all... Not good man.

Agamemnon: Jumping up and down. "It's the Army. It's the Trojans. The ones we've come to fight? Remember?"

Achilles: "You know he's right. I do remember something like that. You know, about war and fighting and me showing off and..."

Patroclus: "You know, it doesn't always have to be all about you Achilles. I mean, look... You've got sunburn streaks. My tan is perfect. I'm much better qualified to be the the golden-god handsome boy in the film.

Odysseus: "When do we have to start reading the film script?" Sneezes.

Director: "3,2,1... Action!"

Patroclus: "But my hair's not done. The make-up department for this movie sucks! I'm suing." Gets distracted by the pretty shells around his neck.

Agamemnon: "Oh, wait. The opening bit is my line. I know this..." Clears throat. "What in the blazes is that man doing. That boat.. it's Achilles. Is he mad? Taking on the entire Trojan army singlehandedly?"

Achilles: Looking worried. "Wait... Singlehandedly. Hey guys... I'm not sure I agreed to this in the contract."

Director: "Too late and Agamemnon. It's not a boat! It's a ship. Ship. Remember that."

Achilles boat strikes land

Director: "Time for your big moment, Achilles."

Achilles: "Whaaaat"

Patroclus: Hisses. "Your speech, you bumboo. The pep talk."

Achilles: "Oh yes." Sticks out chest proudly and unsheathes dagger using it as a pointer. "We will all fight to the death, for eternal glory and for pizza and unstreaked tans. Forward my Martians." Flings hand dramatically and stabs soldier with dagger.

Agamemnon: Groaning. "Not Martians... Myrmiddons."

Achilles: "Your just jealous."

Patroclus: Sniggers. "Of what, streaked tan?"

Achilles: "It's not streaked! I'm just fairer on one side."

Patroclus: "Your in denial."

Agamemnon: "He does have a point."

Director: "CUT!" Grabs a root beer. "You people! Your driving me to drink. I haven't done this in years. I thought I broke the habit." Swigs more root beer.

Patroclus: Whispers. "Definitely on Prozac."

End of Part Four


End file.
